They say often couples wake up one day next to their partner and literally think who is this person next to me.
I often wonder how many wake up wondering who lays beneath the flesh that blankets them,who is it that is taking each breath in and out. Are the walls seen when their eyes open a reminder of being buried alive?
I wonder how alone I am?, or is there a club for this dreaded morning club I am drumming solo to?
I’m struggling,my waking breaths are louder every morning, and the walls bury me a little more everyday.
I don’t know what makes me happy anymore, I haven’t felt happiness in a long while,not the kind that feeds my soul and doesn’t require a theatrical smile anyway.
Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day and this isn’t a prescheduled post ,this is last minute transparent words from my heart, what’s left of it these days.
Mental health comes in many shapes and forms. Some struggle with chemical imbalances, others it is trauma that feeds this horrible monster. For me it is what I call circumstance depression.
I had my doctor ask me if I was ok at the last visit, I broke down crying,seems the norm lately for me.
She was worried and had her pad out writing me a scrip for antidepressants. I became angry, traded my tears for a roar, point blank I reminded her why I was at the office to begin with, I’m chronically sick!,no treatment is working, I have one leg, not to mention all the other garbage life has tossed my way, so please doctor talk your pills and shove them politely up your ass (I didnt need to say the last sentence outloud, she heard me loud and clear without it)
Aside from my doctor I’m not sure anyone sees me anymore, it’s not even that they don’t see that I hurt,I feel invisable.
Is it because they feel helpless so they retreat?, perhaps they can’t see justification for my tears? Or are they just sick of me being sick?
I’ll tell you what I think, I think those around me woke up one day next to me and whatever I once was to them, wife,mom,sister,friend doesn’t exist anymore and to them I am literally as transparent as my words here today, no one knows who I am anymore,not even me.
Please dont look through someone you think may need you, not today on Bell Let’s Talk Day, not anyday.
Depression has many faces,your spouse,your friend, your neighbour, and the girl behind this screen.
Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day
Bell will donate more towards mental health initiatives in Canada by contributing 5¢ for every applicable text, call, tweet and retweet, social media video view and use of our Facebook frame or Snapchat filter. Let’s work together to create positive change.
Read more HERE