To say I am unique would be: kind, complex- fair, but to say I am an intricate manifestation of all that is one’s challenging life would be nailing it on the head.
My youngest child often will joke, yet there is hard truth to it, how I am ADHD.
I do not want to insult anyone with that term, while I have never been diagnosed, my brother and I both have all our lives been entangled in a million thoughts and actions as we navigate life around us, I can see it in my children at times as well.
Impulse has driven less than appropriate choices, landed me on paths where I often wondered what was left behind in the dust.
Weather it is genetics, or perhaps some deeper seeded root cause that drives it, I can’t say for sure, but I can say as an adult who has been forced to deal with the “silence” imposed upon me since struggling health wise, I finally “own” it, and reflect on it today.
You can try to label me, science has labeled many with similar attributes, but I prefer to be label free, the universe knows the last thing I need is more diagnosis, but besides that I have always smiled back at myself when I was being “ME”, why would I want to be seen as broken?
I say broken not to ever insult anyone with a diagnosis of some form of mental health, I say it because that is how anyone with any less than perfect physical and mental health is seen as.
I choose to own that I am not perfect mentally, and well physically for that matter, I don’t need everyone to accept me, it’s never mattered, and I don’t want to be fixed.
Many would say now, and most definitely then, that my appearance, likes, dislikes, and actions is an attention seeking response to what must be missing in my life.
I promise you even with all that is broken in me, most of what you see truly makes me happy, the actions, some I admit questionable, but I don’t dwell, I can’t as time is not infinite.
Today I am not sure if it’s post holiday blues, gloomy weather, the shit going on in the world, my health struggles, or a combination of all, but today I am reflecting hard on this subject, I often have these soul talks with myself, today I am sharing them out loud.
All those wrong choices and admittedly some regrets, while not perfect, still can not be the reflection of who I was born to be, all these health struggles can not be the monster under the bed, this can’t be how it ends.
These words are not being shared to draw in any sympathy, in fact those kind of comments need not be left please and thank you.
I’m just a girl sharing the blah blahs running through my head today, reaching out to anyone who screams these very words and perhaps feels alone, scared, or inadequate.
In fact recently I shared some of my go to songs from my favourite artist Rob Thomas to someones social media comments, someone who is struggling mentally.
Even though I often am the one in need of uplifting words, this reminded me that I am not alone, funny how my contribution was meant to help them, and in turn awoke self help in me.
So what is it I am trying to say? I wish I knew indefinitely myself, or is that a lie I tell myself to conform to society’s norms.
Do I really need to know? Do I really need to figure it all out? or can I embrace the sunset as it comes and allow what the north wind brings that day without worrying about why or how I can over come it all?
As that sun sets each day is it plausible I can lay my head down embracing tomorrow and the rest of my story, without needing to rewrite it?
I don’t know, and that’s ok.
Someone’s blog once asked what is your happy place you go to when you need to shut the world out,my reply – I am in front of a stage dancing, being free, physically and mentally unrestricted. Sometimes I am the one singing, a talent I wish I had, hubz says I can sing, the kids tell me not to quit my day job, the shower never judges.
I have always and still do, have music surrounding me in life, good days and bad, and you will find me in bed,ear buds in, eyes closed, escaped to my happy place often.
I want to leave you with the play list I shared to the person I mentioned above.
It is all Matchbox and Rob Thomas songs as the person had posted the words to UNWELL asking if anyone could relate, while I have many go to songs to get me through my “days” there really are no other words that reach me like these.
Some are “love” songs in a world of damaged souls, others songs of emotional pain, I need them all at any given time.
And I don’t know why
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
UNKIND AND DIZZY- Tabitha’s Secret the band before MB20
And inside, there’s no rainbows
And inside, I try, I try, I try
And outside, the rain is drying
And inside, I’m dying
You walk before me and lord knows I can’t follow
You walk behind and I don’t think I can lead
You walk around me, please don’t walk around me
‘Cause you know how dizzy I get
Beaten and battered
What if my dreams get shattered?
Then pain gives me the right, to be unkind
HER DIAMONDS-Rob Thomas about his wife’s health struggles, ironically she has many auto immune disorders too.
And she says, oh
I can’t take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
‘Cause I can’t help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can’t win
It’s hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
HANG Matchbox Twenty, the song that caught my attention for this band, not ever released as a single, the last song on the album, but always the first in my heart.
And we always say, it would be good to go away someday
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you I’ll just hang
SOMEDAY Rob Thomas
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry
We’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now, and
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow
DOWNFALL Matchbox Twenty
Come on and lay it down
I’ve always been with you
Here and now
Give all that’s within you
Be my savior
And I’ll be your downfall
And hand me down
CANT HELP ME NOW Rob Thomas
This one is off his new album, a little review quickly, as soon as I listened to it in its entirety my first thought was, this album seems to be a reflection of life as he ( we) age, ironically the feelings I am processing exactly today.
Sunlight, falls heavy
Can’t hide, you’re awake already
Long night, you’re unsteady
You don’t even wanna be here, do you?
Cry out, not for the last time
It’s funny how a word might save your life
And I’m saying a lot right now
But I don’t wanna fight
I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna leave
I don’t wanna be here, be here now
There’s a bad taste in my mouth
I stumble in the dark, tripping on a heart
It’s gonna leave a mark, maybe we can stay and wait it out
You’re the one that talks me down
And even you can’t help me now
Even you can’t help me now
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, BEING YOU, WHATEVER THAT MEANS.