When I think mid-life crisis I think monumental actions in one’s 50s, buying an expensive car, plastic surgery, a major personality shift/ physical makeover, and sadly affairs.
Wikipedia states the following
A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in individuals, typically 45–64 years old.
The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly shortcomings of accomplishments in life.
This may produce feelings of depression, remorse, and anxiety, or the desire to achieve youthfulness or make drastic changes to their current lifestyle.
Here I am, a female, in my mid 40’s (not quite 45 yet though) wondering what it is I am feeling, my neurotransmitters are foggy with thoughts, is this what it feels like? The visions and dreams like well written poetic words, deep emotions triggered by life’s song lyrics.
Am I one slow dance away from falling head over heels for a mid-life crisis?
Has my chronic illnesses contributed to these feelings, have they made me a back seat driver as they take the wheel towards a head on crash? Is it imperative I regain control before it’s too late? Has the loss of quality days, months, years & the theft of my identity left me longing for a time machine?
Has the loss of my dad left me petrified of my own mortality? Does the world’s horror scare me into a safe bubble yet leave me yearning to seize the day. What exists beyond these walls of earth?
Has losing 3 beloved pets in a short period inforced the notion that life is way too short, flies by and one day is nothing but mere memories, one day I will be a mere memory!
Has being thrown into a transition family almost all at once ripped my heart out, do I regret younger me’s bright idea of having children young and close in age? What did I honestly think I would be doing at 40 while they were all grown up? Should I have ignored my health and had more children like planned?
Has the woman staring back at me in the mirror seen better days? Is she only loved by default now? Could the me today woo hubz the same as the me 20 years ago?
Am I going crazy, if this were decades earlier would I be institutionalized for these thoughts, or shunned by my family and friends if I lived in certain circles?
I am not contemplating any major changes anytime soon, although an old Ford Mustang or a Jeep sounds really good right about now, I instead find myself constantly seeking the meaning of my life.
How I got here I may never know, we all slow dance to various life songs & so I’m almost certain there is no cookie cutter answer.
I do wonder if biologically we are all imprinted to go through our own versions of a mid life crisis, are some just more predominant than others? Are many never broadcasted? Or are some people lucky enough to be fully satisfied for all their life?
Am I the victim of circumstance, was there a different fate for me that was interrupted somehow? Did I, or others around me make wrong choices that robbed me of the ability to avoid this time in my life?
How will my crisis end? Is crisis even the right word? Perhaps it’s more of a midlife shift?
I struggle with not only sorting out my feelings and thoughts but also accepting my limitations while dancing with this crisis, there are steps and beats I will never be able to flow with, my health and disability cutting in uninvited.
I end this post with hopes & thoughts of finding myself, even though I have no idea what that really means!
I didn’t even know I was lost, then one day I woke up searching for a road I’m not sure exists. Debating 3 paths in front of me, stay on course, travel backwards in time, or walk off the cliff into a complete new world? Sometimes I feel like I am laying in a ditch by these paths, unable to travel any even if I wanted to.